I remember being introduced to people back in January/February who had lost their spouse 6, 8, 12 months and so on before me.
I remember thinking something like, "well, at least they've had x amount of months. I can't imagine being that many months out." Not that it makes it better or easier by any means.. but at least they had time to process it.
Or attempt to anyway.
Here I was, staring at this fresh wound dead in the face.
Couldn't stop the bleeding and might as well have added a dash of salt to it while I'm at it.
09/11/09 here I am now...one of "those" people I was referring to above. Not that 8 months is a long time by any means but I am not back to square one. Thank GOD because that was the most awful day e.v.e.r. I have never felt such pain. I never, ever want to go back to that feeling. Not to say that it's not painful, it's just not that same day painful.
The initial news, the shock, trying to absorb that... with a 1 year old freaking out because I was freaking out, while 7.5 months pregnant. Insane.
As tears welt up in my eyes, I'm attempting to look forward... but the rest of this year is so hard to look forward to.
With my brother-in-law's wedding, our anniversary, P's birthday, the holidays then Will's 2nd birthday, then the 1 year anniversary.
Why does it have to come one right after another?
The months ahead are not going to be an easy task.
Especially when I just want to look back, not forward because what's behind me was my life. My ideal life. The life I had always dreamed of. Exactly what I wanted in life. The life I once loved.
18 comments:
I wish one of these days I had the right words. But I don't. So as always, thinking and praying about you all the time. Hugs.
you handle this with such amazing strength, beauty and grace. You inspire me to be better, to cherish the small things. I will continue to think about and pray for you in the upcoming months. xoxo
Always in my thoughts & prayers! XoXo
Erynn - I think of you and your family every day. I couldn't imagine going through the kind of loss you have experienced. You are amazingly strong, probably stronger than you ever thought you were, and stronger than you ever wanted to have to be. I pray that you continue to find the strength to push forward through all these firsts.
{{{hugs}}} You're doing awesome, E. Such an inspiration to all of us. xoxo
You are in the my thoughts and prayers right now and will continue to be during the tough months ahead. Thank you for sharing your story and what you are going through. You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
P.S. Your children are absolutely precious!
Erynn~
When I tragically lost the man I loved, I was given a book very fresh into my grieving. "Until Today" Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth & Peace of Mind, By Iyanla Vanzant. Emphasis on the peace of mind ;). At first I thought it was a crock, I wouldnt necessarily read it everyday but it helped me grieve ALOT!!! Certain days,it always seemed to be the really hard ones, I felt like the book was meant for me, talking to me. If you happen to purchase it, read July 15th, it just so happened to be the day we held his memeorial service. It personally gave me a peaceful feeling even about the most unfair, tragic passings.
Erynn,
sending you hugs XX you are an amazing young mom. You will learn to love your new "normal" life... W & R are part of this new life. XO
Your posts always touch me. My heart hurts to read about the times where you are really struggling, and it smiles when I read about you laughing and trying to heal and move forward. Always know how much you are admired and loved by your friends and family and I hope somehow that you're able to draw some comfort from that. Sending you huge hugs and warm thoughts and wishing strength for you in the months to come.
Erynn, you're an awesome young mom. Be strong and always thank P for the 2 beautiful kids he gave you. A piece of his life. Sending you hugs XX!!
Oh darling, I never know what to say, I don't think there really is anything to say. Other than I think you are so brave, and doing so well for those gorgeous kids. I'm always thinking of you, sending you my love. Jess xox
Not many people can know exactly what you are going through, unless they themselves have lost a beloved spouse.. Grieving is very personal and its an "experience" noone wants to experience.. But in the midst of all of this, you have people in your life to support you and provide whatever strength you need.. And then you have the outside world who has been touched by your life and experience keeping you in their thoughts and prayers.. You'll get through this, one day at a time.. You will never be "Ok" or "over it", but you will get through it.. You're life isnt what you thought it would be, its not your plan for P, W, R and yourself, but it is your life.. SO I pray you will look ahead and live the life P would want you to live, be strong and full of courage and make a difference now, while you can.. The memories will always be there, but your life is ahead, so live it while you can!!!!
" The memories will always be there, but your life is ahead, so live it while you can!!!!"
Wow. When I first read that, (might sound funny) but it kind of too my breath away. It is so true, yet hard to face. I realize (and hope) I still have life ahead of me, yet it's just hard to live it without the person I thought I'd spend it all with... and I know I can't change that.
I pray that you will take the opportunity to watch this clip; for some encouragement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_UF5E8AylA
This event is terribly sad and as a 27 year old I can remember clear as day the actions that I took while watching it all happen.
You know what makes me even more sad?! The fact that my husband's students who are 13/14 years old, have no clue about 9.11. They don't have a single memory of it. They don't remember where they were. They don't remember it happening. Nothing.
That makes me really sad.
Erynn, I cried for you while reading this post. I can't imagine the grief you have to endure daily.
When I prayed for you, Psalm 121 came to mind. Maybe, as you anticipate the difficulty of the coming months, this verse will be of some comfort to you . . .
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help is from the LORD,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not permit thy foot to be moved; He that keepeth thee will not slumber . . .
The LORD is thy keeper; the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand . . .
The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil; He shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
My heart breaks for you and your sweet family. None of it seems fair or right, particularly when it's clear that you were so very grateful for the blessings you had. It is obvious that you loved Patrick so very much, and that you all loved your children as deeply as humans can love one another.
I pray that you will find peace and comfort, even though it sometimes may feel that you can't put one foot in front of the other.
{{{{HUGS}}}}} My heart breaks for you. I can feel the degree to which my heart aches, I can't imagine the degree yours must ache. Each day brings you a little closer to a lesser degree of heart ache. Thank God for time, prayer and the love and support of your family. Bless you Erynn, Love Denise.
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