Monday Memories: boating & my boys

Last summer P and I took Will for his 1st boat ride in the ocean. I knew it was going to be difficult with a 6 month old... keeping a life vest on, sunblock, hydrated... he cried most of the time, wanting to rip off the vest but eventually he passed out and took a nice, long nap.

No wonder he hated it.. it fits much better this summer.

This week I am out of town with my family at a lake we used to frequent often. P & I traveled here together while dating in high school, he had his bachelor party here and numerous time since we were married. One of the last times we came here together, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and Patrick was gone I don't remember if I called him or just waited for him to return. For all I knew he could have been down at the club below our hotel, getting his groove on. Come to find out he was starting to have an asthma attack while we were asleep. So he got up and went downstairs to the lobby, asked the front desk to call a cab but walked to the store mid attack because the cab was taking too long. Poor guy.

All this without waking me up.

Smart man.

As I took Will out on the boat, in that same vest yesterday, I couldn't help but think of Patrick. All the memories we shared here... and all the memories we should be making together this week, with Will.

It kills me to think of everything he is missing.

Monday Memories: heat+wind+fire

This heat reminds me of something rather scary for the rolling hills and brush that surrounds my home.

Fires! 

Last November we experienced some pretty nasty fires in my neighborhood. I remember leaving that morning, on my way to lunch with my mom and Will, thinking the fires were pretty far from my house. I guess I underestimated the power of wind.

When I left, it looked like this from my house

This looks worse than it really was because the wind was blowing the smoke into my neighborhood. So I proceeded to leave and meet my mom for lunch with Will. I guess you can say I wasn't too concerned. Patrick, on the other hand, was definitely more than concerned. 

He called me while I was running errands with my mom, suggesting I come home and pack some things up in case they evacuate us. I asked him if anyone had come to our door to tell us about volunteer/mandatory evacuations and he said no. I told him we were fine and there was no way I was coming home. We hung up, I ran errands and he started packing. 10 minutes later he called to tell me I "had to come home now" because we had been mandatory evacuated. Damn, I should have listened to him the first time. I raced home as fast as I could with the fear of getting blocked out by police and not getting everything out of my house in time.

During my race home, I notice people were exiting the freeways via on ramps. That is how crowded it was and the desperate measures people began taking. You can see the "on ramp" and cars going the opposite direction in this photo.

As I was driving up to my neighborhood, the skies above me became filled with smoke, ash and flames in just a matter of hours. It definitely didn't look the same as I left that morning. 

I could barely breathe as I pulled into our garage and ran into our house. I had my mom with me to help out with Will, while Patrick and I packed our cars full of photos, computers and other important documents and belongings. I've never had to do this in my life and it was rather nerve racking and scary. I've never thought to myself what I would take or what I'd leave behind in a situation such as this.. and here I found myself trying to make these decisions with limited time while worrying about my family. I knew I couldn't take it all but I also knew none of this crap mattered, as long as the boys and I were safe and together. Don't forget I was also approximately 5 months pregnant with Reese during this ordeal, so this wasn't the best air quality for me to be breathing (or my 10 month old!) 

What I didn't realize when I was out running errands not taking Patrick's advice, he was also running back and forth to his parent's house, packing up their house, alone! They live about a mile from us and happened to be out of town. Poor guy had a tshirt wrapped around his nose and mouth, running back and forth, packing up 2 homes and working his ass off... while I was second guessing him over the phone whether I needed to come home. To top it off? He also had asthma, so this was definitely not good for his lungs! 

We quickly packed up two houses, our baby and 4 dogs (between his parent's and our 2 dogs) and headed to my parent's house about 20 minutes away. My dad, a fireman, was assigned to my neighborhood for the next 3 days. Over those 3 days we opened up our house to fireman for showers, food, water and beds to recharge before they went out on the front lines next. After all, I figured if they could close their eyes in my house, it was safe to say it wasn't going up in flames. 187 residential structures and 30,305 acres were destroyed in the "freeway complex" fire. 

As I took the kids for a run tonight, I noticed several homes being rebuilt in my neighborhood. I was so surprised by this, as it's only been 9 months and I figured the process would take so much longer (insurance, architect, city plans, approval ect.) I'm thankful that these families who watched their homes go up in flames are now able to rebuild with a fresh, clean slab. I know it's a high possibility that they already had their dream home and it was destroyed, along with belongings, photos and memories.. but I hope they can be grateful to have their family.. because I would let my entire house burn down, without removing a single item, if I had could have my husband and kids safe with me.  (crap, we just had an earthquake as I'm writing this!) Actually, I'd light my own house on fire to have my family back together. All 4 of us. 

a conference just for us

who knew the day I said "I do" that I'd be attending a conference specifically for widows/widowers, just shy of our 3 year wedding anniversary. Certainly not me. When you say those vows "til death do us part" do you you ever think that death could be 6 months, a year or 2 years away? Probably not. Especially when you are marrying young in your 20s.
I figured death would do us part in about 60+ years, rather than 8.

Today I head to San Diego with my MIL for a conference I never imagined I'd be attending. I'm sure none of the attendees thought they would either. I am looking forward to Saturday, as I get to listen to 4 different seminars.

Do Infants Grieve?
Finding Joy
Finding a New Purpose
Matt and Maddy (by www.mattlogelin.com)

I'm particularly interested in my 1st session, "Do Infants Grieve?" I've thought about that often and if Will is missing Patrick and grieving. I'm hoping to walk away with some much needed information and support.

thee question

For the past six months I've envisioned the conversations with my children once the begin to ask questions. I've told myself luckily, I had time on my side and with time comes eased pain.. hopefully anyway. I thought I had time. Turns out I didn't.

Tonight we headed down to the fun zone at the beach with my family, my cousin and her family. While indulging in a slice of pepperoni filled pizza my cousin's daughter {3} blatantly asked me, "Where is Uncle PP?"

I was paralyzed like a dear caught in headlights, shinning from every possible direction. I knew what she asked but I responded with, "huh?" hoping she would forget and move on.

No such luck.

"Where is Uncle PP?" she repeated.

My heart sank and my eyes filled with tears.

I thought I had time for these questions.

I wasn't ready to answer them, as her big brown eyes stared at me through her pink eyeglasses.

"Umm" I said, as I stalled to looked to my aunt

{her grandma} at the other table with a flashing HELP sign above my head.

"Heaven" my aunt said to me silently as I read her lips.

I leaned into her, took a deep breath and answered, "Uncle PP is in Heaven. Do you know where that is?"

She said yes and I asked where.

"Far away", she responded innocently.

Sigh. I wasn't ready for that and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

She was right. Far away. Too far.

But a far better place than where I am.

Monday Memories: It's a Girl!

On our way home from our ultrasound Patrick asked me, "Do you think if I drink enough tonight she will turn into a he?" He came from a family of three boys, the last girl in the family was about 20 years ago. I know what he was thinking. He was scared and he had every right to be. 

We stopped by the local party store to grab pink "It's a girl" balloons and streamers. Don't make fun. Our parents were anxiously awaiting for our phone call for the ok to come over. 

I decorated while Patrick went to grab Will from his parent's house. 

I love this pic I took of my boys, before our parents showed up! 

I had all the blinds and curtains closed so no one could see out back as they arrived to our house. So thankful I have this on video! 

i love my life

I remember thinking that often, but particularly one time while exiting the freeway, headed home with my baby boy in the backseat. 

I loved my life. 

I loved my husband. 

I loved my baby boy. 

I loved that I was able to stay home with Will. 

I loved where I lived. 

I loved my family, my in-laws, my friends. 

I loved everything about my life. 

Life was good. 

That was the best feeling in the world. I was high on life. I miss that feeling. It's scary how fast it can all change. How fast it can all be taken away... six months ago. 

I long for that feeling. 

I hope, one day, I can feel that way again... 

but honestly, I'm not sure if I will. 

It will never be the same.

july the 8th

Today marks half a year since I last saw him, last hugged him, last kissed him goodbye. So much has happened since then that he has missed. His daughter's birth, his son learning to hit a baseball of a tee and so much in between. Six months ago I couldn't even picture where I am now, six months into this nightmare. Now, here we are. I often say, "I wish I could just fast forward through this part." Yet a part of me knows I have to get through this part, as much as it hurts. 

Last night I noticed how big and bright the moon was and my girlfriend Amber mentioned that it was a full moon tonight. I looked up the full moon phases and it was actually a full moon last night, on the 7th. I remember our wedding night, October 7th 2006, also had a full moon hanging in the skies above us. While looking up the full moon phases right now, I happened to check the January 2009 full moon day  Yep, it was the 11th. Weird. Next month the full moon occurs 55 minutes after my birthday. Oh and in December there are 2 full moons. The second? On New Year's Eve, Will's birthday. Interesting. After this year, no full moons on special dates until 2013 when it lands on Patrick's birthday, November 17th. I think full moons are my new favorite thing for this year. 

http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/docs/MoonPhase.php

Miss you like crazy babe.

Etsy Vendor Rave!

Since Will was a baby I have been searching high and low for a growth chart 1. with baseballs 2. that I could personalized. I never found a  baseball one that I liked that I could 1. personalize or 2. wasn't a total rip. I don't know what took me so long to realize I should look on Etsy. 

For Reese's chart I didn't really want a theme, just the colors pink, black and white to go with her room. Will's turned out just like I had envisioned. Can you spy the #8? 

Here is what I ended up with

Check out MyArtsyBaby's work.

Monday Memories: continued...

So once I came to the terms with the fact that I was yet again pregnant, after just having a baby six short months ago, the wheels started turning in my head as to how we would tell our parents. Before I became pregnant with Will, I had a very early miscarriage so we didn't tell family and friends until I was 12 weeks along with Will. We did the same thing this time around but told our parents before then.

On my birthday, August 5th, we took our parents and one of my brother-in-laws to Chart House for my birthday dinner. I had a onesie made in Will's size (remember in the last MM post I couldn't find anything in time to tell Patrick.) At this point we didn't know our due date, just that it would be sometime in March 2009. Since it was March and we are Irish, I thought this was fitting.

I had this onesie under Will's collared shirt so no one would see it right away. 

Little did Grandpa know what was waiting under Will's shirt...

I took Will to the bathroom and removed his top layer to expose his breaking news. I took him back to the table and announced to everyone to check out Will's new shirt I bought him. I wish I had their reactions on film (usually I do record these things.) They couldn't believe it but were very excited for us! 

Within the next few days we had a scheduled ultrasound to determine a due date. During the ultrasound the tech said, "you are due, let's see, March 17th." Patrick and I looked at each other and laughed. We already had a New Year's Eve baby, St. Patrick's day would be awesome! This made Will's shamrock onesie even more fitting.