Monday Memories: Tender Moments

I know it's technically Tuesday now.. at 12:15am.. but I'm a busy girl and I don't always get 10 minutes to sit down, reflect on a memory and post it...
but I'm trying.

I came across these photos just now and I'm not sure I've ever really looked at them all.
I love this sequence.






Thank God for digital cameras! I hope one day Will can cherish all the wonderful photos I have of the two of them.

movin' on up

When I look at Will, I try to remember him as a small, 8 pound 10 ounce newborn. I feel like I blinked and he is 2, talking, playing baseball and starting school! My boy is growing up so fast. I absolutely love this stage, even if they are supposed to be the "terrible twos". I love that he comes running up to me and wraps his body around my legs. I love that he gives me giant hugs and kisses with a s.m.a.c.k noise included. After I tuck him in at night we have this thing we do..I tuck him in and say night night and he says night night back. We go back and forth until I'm all the way downstairs to where I can't hear him anymore. "Night night" back and forth about 10 times. ::love:: He is very extremely attached to me right now... making it difficult at time to even just quickly run upstairs to get something. The other day he freaked out as he saw me walking out the door for a quick errand to Home Depot {my new Nordstrom}. So of course, with alligator tears running down his face and arms reaching for "MOMMA!" I take him with me. And of course while I'm trying to navigate my way around my new Nordstrom like a lost puppy, I ask myself why I decided to give in and bring my 2 year old when I'm trying to make this errand "quick". Nothing is quick when kids are involved.

Now that Will is 2, I wanted to start him a couple of days a week in preschool. He can't attend my 1st choice school until Fall 2011 because of age/birthday requirements. I knew I didn't want another full year and a half before he started preschool so I did a little research, had a few visits and found a preschool where I thought Will could thrive. This week will only be his 3rd week but I guess when I ask him how school was after picking him up and he replies, "MORE"... it's a good sign!
1st Day of Preschool

did you really just say that?

Since I started blogging after the accident I have received hundreds of well wishes, prayers, sincere comments. I read every single one of them and wish I could reply to each. Many bring me to tears, others bring a smile to my face... and there a few that I think to myself, "Are they serious right now?"

Like one Anonymous person asked, "How do you have a MIL when you aren't married anymore?" I didn't respond. I'm not sure if they are seriously asking that or being a jackass. Then today someone said something like "... now your a widow no longer a wife." Honestly, I don't know if these people really realize what they are typing. Are they trying to be sincere? My husband DIED, I know I'm not technically married. Those papers I got in the mail that said MARRIAGE END DATE: 01/11/09 made sure I knew too. Try opening those up to read those words about your marriage you didn't want to end. Finally, a comment from another Anonymous {noticing a trend? I know there are far more good anonymous users out there though!} tonight... while I was at my MOTHER-IN-LAWS, yes she will always be that to me, with 50+ other family and friends trying to be together on the 1 year anniversary.

I came home to read this:

"I googled and found some articles about the crash. It sounds like it could have been avoidable if they didn't take off in weather they did, which makes it all more sad. In life we must take our time especially if it is for safety. I am so sorry for your loss and I'm sure Patrick wishes he waited for clear weather than taking off in a winter storm."

Yeah, I'm sure Patrick wished. I wish the dead could make wishes. I mean seriously? Really? Do you know anything about what you are talking about? You must have missed the part in the article where they waited an extra day to come home because of weather? Do you the capabilities of a PC 12? Google that while you are at. Did you know he called to tell me it was snowing, they were cleared to take off, other planes were taking off? I'm sorry if I am going off a little and maybe this is the reaction some people wanted.. which is why I never respond to those stupid comments/questions. I asked some friends tonight if they think these people are really that dumb to ask how I still have a MIL or are they really that mean spirited? They said they are really that dumb. If you think these words are comforting, you need to google the definition of comfort. We don't control our own destination. God is in control.

NOTE TO YOURSELF: these are things NOT to say to a WIDOW, who is no longer a wife.

ps: I won't be addressing your nasty comments again... just deleting them. So waste your time all you want. =) xoxo

3.6.5 days

Well, here we are. ONE YEAR.

1 year ago...

my life changed forever.

i lost the love of my life.

my babies lost their amazing daddy.

i lost us, our family.

i also lost my father-in-law.

i dropped to my knees, 7.5 months pregnant.

i cried like I've never cried before.

i hurt like I've never hurt before.

the fog was so thick, I never thought I'd get out of it.

One year ago I felt sadness, anger, confusion, disbelief, shock... all at once. That day, one year ago, was the darkest day of my life.

One year later... what a year it has been. My year has been a journey, an uphill climb, with many peaks and valleys. Coming up to this year mark, I've accepted that I am in a better place than I was 1 year ago. It's ok to heal a little. It's ok to feel a little better than I did before. I cringed when I read "time heals" or "time eases pain" in many of the emails I received following the accident. At that time, those words were not comforting. But I can say that yes, time has helped. It is not so raw and in my face. I best describe my heart as not scarred but scabbed. My broken heart will never scar and heal completely. It's scabbed. With the ability to be ripped off and bleeding at any moment, without notice. The smallest of small things can rip that scab right off. With time it will scab again, waiting for the next moment, whenever that may be, to be exposed once again. While 2009 was the hardest year to date for me, I do have many blessings in life to be thankful for. I have my 2 beautiful babies, a roof over our heads, supportive parents and one amazing family who I love dearly.

Here's to hoping and praying that 2010 will be a better year for my family!

january 8th

today marks one year since I last saw you. It was just supposed to be a quick, weekend trip to CO. Your last before Reese arrived. It turned into the longest trip possible. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I saw you. 9 years together, 1 apart. I was thinking to myself that at some point, the later of the two numbers is going to be greater than the years together. That's not what we had in mind when we started our lives together. At times it feels like it's going so fast and other times it's like I'm stuck in slow motion. Had I known that was going to be our final goodbye that January 8th morning, I would have kissed you a little longer, hugged you a little tighter. I miss you.