1 year ago...
my life changed forever.
i lost the love of my life.
my babies lost their amazing daddy.
i lost us, our family.
i also lost my father-in-law.
i dropped to my knees, 7.5 months pregnant.
i cried like I've never cried before.
i hurt like I've never hurt before.
the fog was so thick, I never thought I'd get out of it.
One year ago I felt sadness, anger, confusion, disbelief, shock... all at once. That day, one year ago, was the darkest day of my life.
One year later... what a year it has been. My year has been a journey, an uphill climb, with many peaks and valleys. Coming up to this year mark, I've accepted that I am in a better place than I was 1 year ago. It's ok to heal a little. It's ok to feel a little better than I did before. I cringed when I read "time heals" or "time eases pain" in many of the emails I received following the accident. At that time, those words were not comforting. But I can say that yes, time has helped. It is not so raw and in my face. I best describe my heart as not scarred but scabbed. My broken heart will never scar and heal completely. It's scabbed. With the ability to be ripped off and bleeding at any moment, without notice. The smallest of small things can rip that scab right off. With time it will scab again, waiting for the next moment, whenever that may be, to be exposed once again. While 2009 was the hardest year to date for me, I do have many blessings in life to be thankful for. I have my 2 beautiful babies, a roof over our heads, supportive parents and one amazing family who I love dearly.
Here's to hoping and praying that 2010 will be a better year for my family!
55 comments:
(((HUGS))) I'm praying it's better for your family also.
Scabbed is a perfect way to describe it! Stupid scab has been ripped off a couple of times since Matt died...
Thinking of you and your family. xoxo
praying for you and your family today Erynn. big hug. xoxo.
Erynn, I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are always on my mind and I admire you so much for how strong you are.
Will and Reese are lucky to have you as their mommy, and I am sure that Patrick is watching you all from above and is incredibly proud of you!
*hugs*
Erynn, sometimes when I see the beautiful photo of you and Patrick above, my mind leaps back to 2006 and all the excitement of wedding planning. Then, the shock comes once again - like it did the first time I heard about what happened to you and your family. As strange as it sounds, part of me still can't believe that the sweet girl from Fall with the Chia Lieu dress and the bridge for an aisle has suffered the worst kind of agony that is possible in this life.
I wish I had words of greater comfort for you today. But all I can do is pray that He who gave you this terrible cross will help you to carry it. You are courageous and strong beyond belief. God bless you and your little ones.
I admire your strength,Thinking about you and your family.
I woke up at 4:30 and thought of you. I'm praying for you every single day. Thinking of you and your family. ((hugs))
Always thinking of you, E! You're so strong.
xoxo
I am trying to think of something inspirational to say to you, but I am at a loss for words. I did want to say this post is such an inspiration for anyone that has lost a loved one or friend.
xo,
Kelly
Thinking of you today Erynn.
Thinking of you today...
More ((((HUGS)))) from me too!! Love your description of your scabbed heart, so true for you!! I continue to pray for you and your babies everyday! May 2010 be a very blessed year for all of you. Stay strong and keep blogging, you have no idea how your story has helped so many other people dealing with grief.-Brittany
Thinking of you and your family today...
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today Erynn...
thinking and praying for you and your family all this time.
Erynn, I couldn't agree more. Time eases but the scab is always there. Thinking of all of you on this day and wishing you lost of happiness in 2010 and the years to come. xoxo
You are in my thoughts today. I cannot imagine what you are going thru today, but you are one strong women and I know you will make it thru!!
((HUGS))
Erynn...I don't "know" you but I have followed your and P's fairytale romance since before you were even engaged. I can't express to you how grief stricken I was 1 year ago today when I found out what happened to you and your entire beautiful family. You are an amazing mother to your 2 absolutely gorgeous children and your strength continues to amaze me everyday. Lots of hugs to you, Debi, and both of your families today....
Oddly you were in my dream last night so I must have had you and your harships on my mind. My thoughts are with you and your family today more then ever.
With Love and Hopes of better days,
Dana
You continue to amaze me and how strong you and how eloquent you are with your words. I cannot imagine the scab you have on your heart and how that must feel. Thinking and praying for you always. And always thinking of you #8.
I hate to say this is a beautiful post, because what happened to you and your family a year ago is so ugly. But you have an amazing way of putting your unimaginable loss into words, and you continue to move forward with such grace. Lots of prayers for you, esp. today!
Hi again, Erynn. . .
I have kept up with your blog since the day you told me about it in your driveway just before you moved. I must say that for your young years you are wiser than most people my age. Your "scab" analogy is right on. I hope that this coming year will bring you more strength and more hope for a brighter future filled with love and happiness. You truly are blessed to have such a supportive family around you. Keep your chin up . . . things are bound to get better. Much love to you and your family!
Thinking of you and your family on this very difficult day.
Thinking of you and your family today and always. Your strength is unbelievable. Your beautiful babies are lucky to have you as their mother.
XOXO,
Lauren C (scpinkgirl)
I just wish i could take this pain away!! I am so sorry, Thinking of you today, and always!!
xoxo
Praying for you and your family. Wishing that 2010 brings you more joy, love, health and happiness. You soooo deserve it!
found your blog thru courtney. Praying for you and your sweet family! May God bring peace to you all! hugs!
Erynn...you dont know me...just another person that says prayers for you and your beautiful family when a friend got me on your blog. I admire your strength and courage so much. Thank you for reminding all of us how precious life is.
Kellie in New Orleans
Erynn,
So sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing my husband; you seem so brave and strong! I applaud that... came here from Amber's blog, just fyi!
Justine
www.fetchingfashions.blogspot.com
I just popped over from Courts blog and am in awe of your strength and your love and your courage.
*Hugs* and love to you today... I am thinking of you and will continue to come and back and visit your beautiful family!!
I do hope and pray that 2010 is a better year. I know it will be, I pray for you guys often, but you and your family are close to my heart today. Wishing you the best for 2010
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have loved ones by you today. I will keep you in my thoughts since you are now a widow and no longer a wife :-(
Thinking of you and your family today.
Everyone's on your side, babe. Remember that.
i am so sorry for your losses.
i am praying for you and your family.
my thoughts are with you.
i wish you nothing but the best for the new year.
Erynn, I don't know you but I've followed your journey. I know this past year and todays one year mark have been a rough road for you to travel. I can honsetly say that I look at you with such admiration. If I were in your shoes I don't think I could handle myself with such grace and strength. P was taken from you for now but he (and you too) has given something invaluable to the rest of us. He gave us all a wake up call and a reminder to live life to the fullest and don't take things for granted. I have lived each day a little fuller and with much more appreciation thanks to you and P. It's so horrible that you had to go through this and I pray for you often. I also thank you for sharing this journey and for being the strong woman and mother that you are. P must be so proud of all that you do.
Hi Erynn,
I just wanted to say you are an amazing person! You are very strong. I think about you and your family all the time.
Jessica (qtpie8 on JS)
You are always, always in my thoughts, Erynn. More so this past weekend and today. Christina
Thinking of you everyday.
Erynn I just read through your entire blog... omg... I am an absolute sobbing mess right now. I don't know how you do it.
You are strong, you are beautiful and your children are sweet angels. Oh my gosh...
Sending all my love to you. I have been going through a tough time but I realize - I will never take a moment for granted. You give me inspiration to not worry about the little things going on in my life... all my love.
Thinking of you today, and always, Erynn! XOXOXOXO
What a wonderful, descriptive way you have with words! One day you need to put all your posts in to book form, it would be an amazing gift for your children.
Erynn, I have followed your blog since your terrible loss and have be AMAZED by your courage and strength, especially for one so young! My hope and prayer for you and your family is that 2010 will bring you more healing and happiness!
Sending a HUGE HUG your way wishing it could take away your pain!
Erynn
You don't know me but my husband new your FIL. My husband has been one of his mechanics ever since he became a pilot. I also have known one of your friends (Michelle T) for about 20 years. And we attended the beautiful memorial service held January 31.
The words spoken that day about Bill and Patrick to this day continue to move me to tears. They truely were remarkable people that touched many lives. I pray your children get to hear the same wonderful stories that were told that day (and I am sure there are 100's more) about their father and grandfather.
I can't even begin to pretend how you are feeling...and I feel anything I have said or do say is meaningless, but I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you and your family. You have been in my prayers this last year and have not been forgotten. (my husband evens keeps the green remembrance band on his tool box)
I will continue to keep you, your beautiful children and the rest of the Rooney's in my prayers.
God bless
What a beautiful post. What you have gone through in this last year is more than some people go through in a lifetime! You are an amazing example to others in your shoes. I am proud to call you a friend. xoxoxo
thinking of you!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo.
you are such a strong woman and i know more blessings will come your way <3
hugs and love today - you explained yourself so beautifully - I hope the kids gave you extra love today!
Erynn, I think of you and your family often and can't help but be amazed at your strength, grace and amazing spirit. You show such courage and strength every day. Your gorgeous babies are so lucky to have such an amazing mother, I know P is so proud of you. Hugs and take care!
sending big hugs from dallas.
my prayers are with you and your family. I think you are a beautiful person and the strength you have shown has given all of us who have lost, hope. Thank you and may peace be with you.
I, too, am in awe at your courage and strength. God bless your family...you are fortunate to have a wonderful, supportive family.
Erynn, another person that doesn't know you....but I am someone that was thinking about and praying for you today. No idea how I found your blog...but have followed for a while. The way you put your feelings into words is powerful! All my best to you and your family in 2010.
"Scab" is a perfect description. Mine still gets ripped away after 6.5 years and the pain is just as raw, but much shorter lived. Just happened a few days ago.
You have shown an amazing strength this past year. I hope that time continues to lessen the hurt. 2010 *will* be a better year. Hugs.
Erynn you have AMAZED me beyond belief this last year. I have ALWAYS looked to you with admiration and respect....but even more this last year. You are NEVER far from my thoughts and although we have not yet been given the chance to meet in person, i love you like i love my real life friends. You are so special and strong xo
Erynn,
Wishing you peace on this difficult day and to be surrounded by loved ones. I hope remembering the memories make you laugh a little more and sad a little less...
You are and your family are never far from my thoughts!
God Bless you and your family.
I think you are an amazing person! What you have faced is a pain no one should ever be put through. I'm still so sorry it happened. You are still a beautiful family and Patrick will always be with you.
Erynn-I'm not sure how I came across your blog. But, I'm so glad I did. I'm coming up on the 4 year mark of my husbands passing. I was also pregnant at the time. I'm constantly looking back asking how I made it this far. I loved how you described your heart as scabbed...it's true. It will never heal. I think you are amazing! Very inspiring. Your little boys are adorable! Oh, and I still have in laws too :) They will forever be a part of my life. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
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