Monday Memory: "you're pregnant?"

Around this time last year Patrick was asking me that question at 2am. Well, actually, it was a month from now, but last June I became pregnant with Reese. I didn't find out until I was nearly 7 weeks along as I was on birth control pills and my son was ONLY SIX MONTHS OLD! You can imagine the shock.. I am a planner. A big one. This was not on my calendar, until THIS summer. That was my 1st warning I am not in control. 

When I found out I was pregnant, again, for the 2nd time in less than a year and a half... I about passed out. Patrick was in Alaska, working hard building a home on his family's river front property. He had been gone for 2 weeks, home for one, and gone for another 2. While he was gone I headed up north with Will to visit some very good friends. When I returned home, I realized something wasn't right, ran to the store and took 2 tests. Within a matter of millaseconds I was staring at a bright, blue + sign. "This can't be right" I thought to myself. I went back to the store and grab another test. The first one had to be a bad test, right? 

NO. The new test gave me that same bright, blue + sign. 

Enter: panic. I didn't know what to think, as I was staring at a blue + sign and my 6 months old asleep in his crib. I started counting on my fingers how many months apart they would be. Thinking if I was just newly pregnant at about 4 weeks, at least they would be 16 months apart. That's close enough to a year and half, I thought to myself. That's not so bad. I was planning on 2 years so 1.5 isn't too far off. Wrong. Patrick was due home in a couple of days and I felt the need of more blue + sign confirmation than these bad tests were giving me. I called my Dr., who I had just set up an annual appointment with for December and requested a blood test. I just needed another confirmation, after 3 pregnancy tests. I will never forget the phone call back with the blood test results. I was in Tall Mouse (craft store) with Will. I answered my cell phone and the conversation went something like this: 

Dr. "Hi Erynn, we received your blood test results back.  You are very, very pregnant."

E: deep breath, exhale "What does that mean? How pregnant?"

Dr: "By these numbers, I am guessing 7-8 weeks." 

E: "Really? Wow." deep breath, louder exhale  "Wow. Ok. Wow, my son is 6 months. Wow."

Dr: "I guess we will be seeing you before December!"

And then she proceeded to schedule an ultrasound for August. Patrick was to be home the next day or two and I didn't want to tell him over the phone. I hurried around and looked for something for Will to wear to share the big news with Patrick. I was hoping to find a "I'm going to be a big brother" tee but the only things in Will's size were "Lil Bro" tees. Of course, he was only 6 months old. Usually the 6 month olds are the little bros, not the big bros! Not in our house! So I decided my only option was to make my own. I used puffy paint and made my own with a blank white onesie. At 2am Patrick finally made it home and Will was fast asleep on our bed wearing his breaking news onesie. I told him to read Will's onesie. He read it out loud, "I'm going to be a big boy." Followed with, "I know you are going to be a big boy, Will." I said, "No babe, read it again." He re-read it out loud again. He looked at me across the bed and asked, "You're pregnant?" I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I sort of nodded my head and smiled as he ran over to give me a big hug. Phew. I knew he'd be excited. So glad that went the way it did. Now, we just had to spill the beans to the 'rents.. to be continued.. 

indeciseve

for over the past hour, I've been searching through my iphoto library to choose a Monday Memory for tomorrow.  For some reason, I can't just pick one. I'm definitely not lacking in the memory or photo department... I have 8 years worth. I've been thinking about Patrick a lot today and maybe that's why I can't decide on something. I miss Patrick every day, but today was tough. I remember thinking to myself, as both of my over tired kids were screaming in the stroller today, "why do I have to do this? Why can't we be doing this?" As I was driving, it wasn't a "This is my life, I can do this" moment. It was more of a "How did I get here? Why is this my life?" moment. It's one thing to lose your husband (AND your FIL), and it's another to be raising two infant kids without him. Combined, it can be overwhelming and stressful. I swear this is going to take 10 years off my life. So for now, my Monday Memory post is just going to have to wait. I'm exhausted and need sleep. 

the white toyota tundra

At first, they wouldn't stop following me. I swear I saw them everywhere. Of course, I never noticed them before January 11th, why now? There was a particular one driving around our neighborhood that was exactly like Patrick's and the guy even rested his arm across the top of the steering wheel, like Patrick. I did a double take as I drove by. I've never seen that person driving that truck in my life, now I've seen him twice.

Shortly after the accident, the boys went to the airport to bring home Bill & Patrick's vehicles. As they were driving back, one of them called to tell me they were on their way with Patrick's truck. My heart quickly started to race and I began to panic. How could I turn the corner and see Patrick's truck sitting in our driveway? Like a false hope that he was actually home. I just couldn't do it. I asked them to take it to Patrick's parent's house. Afterall, they had more room and that way I didn't have to see it. It's been almost 6 months now and we decided to sell it. It being just 2 years old and in great condition, it sold quickly. It's a strange feeling, selling your husband's personal belongings... but it's gone. Gone forever.

The morning the buyer was to pick it up, I took the kids over to take some photos in the truck. I guess I'm just trying to document everything to share with them one day. This was my first and only time in the truck. My dad had cleared it all out for me so I wouldn't have to. Patrick's bro even told me that when he drove it last, it still smelt like Patrick.

Monday Memories: Elk Hunts

In honor of Father's Day, I wanted to share one of the Rooney boys' other passion in life, besides baseball. 

Every year Bill and his boys would head to Colorado for about a 10 day elk bow hunt. Weeks leading up to departure, they boys would start growing out their beards and letting their hair run wild. I remember not letting Patrick kiss me after a certain point because his facial hair drove me nuts. I prefer the clean cut look and couldn't wait for this trip to be over to clean up his face. The boys even went to the extreme of buying hay, fake elk mannequins and practicing their archery in the backyard! 

The 4 of them were the biggest movie quoting pranksters I knew. Together, they had all the fun in the world. I'll spare you the photo of Patrick mooning the camera and show you this one instead. 

This year Colin and Sean plan on continuing the annual elk hunt. 

Father's Day. It's here.

and Patrick isn't. It sucks. It's not fair... but I know there is a plan. Even if that plan wasn't my plan. I feel so bad for Will and Reese. I know they don't understand now, but they will, soon enough. I can't figure out if it's better they are so young so... they aren't grieving, yet missed out on having Patrick as they grow or if it's better they don't know any different. My mind goes back and forth about this daily. Perhaps I will never have the right answer. At least Will has photos and videos of him with Patrick. Poor Reese doesn't have anything other than photos of me and Patrick while I was pregnant with her. 

Last Father's Day we were at home, as family. Today we are in Virginia visiting my BIL, Sean...without his own dad or brother. He is here playing minor league baseball. I haven't seen him since the day after Reese was born when he had to go back to spring training. It's nice to be here, with both of my BILs and my dad on Father's Day. Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Here is a little video from Father's Day morning 2008. 

Reese's 3 month photos

I can't believe she is already {over} 3 months old! Time is flying and she is changing daily. The magnificent Erin Tukua from http://erintukuaphotography.com/ came over this morning to snap up my little ham. Thank you Rachel @ http://www.goldenshoptalk.blogspot.com/

for her adorable r tee! It turned out perfect.

Check her out!

Monday Memories: May 2007

I've got an hour and a half to spare for my Monday Memory... I know,  I'm a little late today. I swear I start thinking of my MM post days before but can never decide which memory to post. My Monday Memories force me to open our iPhoto and starting digging through pictures. I haven't see P's face in 5 months. When I look at a picture of him, my heart breaks all over again, and again and again. Here come the flood gates! 

Anyway, back to the memory. On Thursday we are leaving to go visit my brother-in-law in Virginia. It's Father's Day weekend, not sure what I think about it yet. Sean plays baseball in the minor leagues, left the day before Reese was born (but made it back for her birth!) and won't really be back until September. 

In May 2008 the whole fam flew out to Maryland for a week long visit with Sean. It was Will's 1st trip across country. At that age, it was a lot easier than what I'm anticipating in 3 days. It's going to be strange going back without Bill and Patrick. 

This photo was taken last year, while visiting in MD. I love that not everyone is looking at the camera in this picture, but we all have smiles on our faces. 

With Jana (future-sister-in-law), Will and I off navigating our way through unfamiliar territory, attempting to locate a mall, Patrick was fulfilling his 2nd passion in life. GOLF. I remember dropping him off at the course thinking, can we just go on one vacation without playing golf? 

Obviously not. 

His excuse? "It was one of the top courses." 

Oh, right, then you must play babe.  

Yet , I knew Patrick had his priorities straight. 

It was quite obvious. 

Having the boys spread out at various locations playing ball, phone calls to Bill always followed after a game. His first question, "Who's on first, who's on second?" became his signature line. It was his dream to not only have boys, but boys who followed in his footsteps. Boys who loved and played the game of baseball. I'm grateful that dream was fulfilled for him. I just wish he could see Will's killer arm! 

Although I'm not looking forward to the flight, for numerous reasons, I'm eager to see Sean. I know Will's face will light up when he first lays eyes him. I'm thankful we will all can be together for Father's Day. I know it's going to be a tough one and we need each other. 

my munchkins

 just some pics I snapped while playing around the house. I've noticed I take more of Will.. but he has more going on than Reese. I need to make an effort to take more of her!


forehead kisses

sleepy boy

thank.you.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you.
All of you who take the time to read my blog, post comments, words of encouragement, similar experiences
and most of all, praying for me and my family.

Your comments bring smiles, hope and tears all at once.
I truly appreciate every one of you.
xo

life, as I knew it

Where did it go?

As I lay here, typing from my phone at 1:20am, I can't sleep.
I keep thinking of life, as I knew it, as tears roll down my cheeks.
This new life sucks.
I'd give anything to have my old one back.
I know that's not possible and that kills me inside.
I always wanted to be a wife. But only to Patrick.
I never imagined life with anyone but him.
I always wanted to be a mom. Just not a single one.
Especially to two under two.
This is not the life I had longed, hoped or wished for.
My dreams were coming true but quickly turned into nightmares.
If only I could wake up from my nightmare.

Monday Memories: June 2006

The summer before our wedding {2006} we started an annual trip to the island of Maui with our friends. We had such a bast laying out at Big Beach, 

check out the blue water,

BBQing, renting mopeds and waterfall jumping...

Our tour guide who took us around to all the hidden waterfalls was nuts. His driving scared me to the point of tears and a goodbye call to my mom. I honestly did not think I was going to make it out of my his car alive. Scariest.drive.ever.

With just a quick 4-5 hour flight from CA, Patrick and I found ourselves on the islands quite often. Our most recent, and last trip together, was to Kauai last Septemeber. We went with my parents and took Will @ 9 months old for his first time. Our last family vacation together.

and some things I miss about Bill

I miss him calling himself Grandpa #1.
I miss him swaying Will around in the air.
I miss his passion and drive in life.
I miss all his crazy ideas & stories.
I miss his hugs.
I miss meeting him & Patrick for lunch.
I miss his excitement for a granddaughter.
I miss him stopping by our house while out on a walk.

some things I miss

I miss my old life.
I miss watching our shows together in bed.
I miss laying on his chest.
I miss his touch.
I miss his voice.
I miss his infectious smile.
I miss the showers he used to take with Will.
I miss the scent of his cologne in our bathroom.
I miss his shoe, shirt and sunglass obsessions.
I miss him picking his nose.
I miss his BBQing.
I miss so much. I hate this.

Monday Memories

So after the college baseball season is over, if you want to continue to get looked at by major league scouts, you continue playing. Once Patrick's sophomore season at Pepperdine came to a conclusion he was off to Alaska for the summer. At the time we had been dating 2 .5 years and being separated for an entire summer was the longest we had been apart. Halfway through the summer I went up to visit him with his family. We spent a couple of days in Anchorage then went south to Kenai, where Patrick was living with a host family. The Kenai peninsula is gorgeous! With enormous trees, flowing rivers and tons of wildlife. Since it's not very big there is not a whole lot to do. Since the sun is basically always shinning you find yourself outdoors most of the days and into the night. Fishing is extremely popular. So of course we went fishing a few times. Where's a local Nordstrom when you need one?

Here I am, fishing, in my fashion forward waders.