Sunday, June 28, 2009
indeciseve
for over the past hour, I've been searching through my iphoto library to choose a Monday Memory for tomorrow. For some reason, I can't just pick one. I'm definitely not lacking in the memory or photo department... I have 8 years worth. I've been thinking about Patrick a lot today and maybe that's why I can't decide on something. I miss Patrick every day, but today was tough. I remember thinking to myself, as both of my over tired kids were screaming in the stroller today, "why do I have to do this? Why can't we be doing this?" As I was driving, it wasn't a "This is my life, I can do this" moment. It was more of a "How did I get here? Why is this my life?" moment. It's one thing to lose your husband (AND your FIL), and it's another to be raising two infant kids without him. Combined, it can be overwhelming and stressful. I swear this is going to take 10 years off my life. So for now, my Monday Memory post is just going to have to wait. I'm exhausted and need sleep.
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16 comments:
I hope you feel better today. I just made up a song for me and my kids. I don't know if it will help because I'm not dealing with what you are but maybe it will help a bit. The words to my little dity are: Choose to be cheerful. Smile all day long. Laugh at your problems. Overcome the bad. Just thought I'd share and let you know I'm thinking of you.
Also, at the end of each day, we gather as a family and state one thing that brought us joy during the day and one thing we are grateful for. Maybe you could start that too. At the end of each day, write down in a special place one thing that brought you joy and one thing you are grateful for, so even if you have a bad day, you'll have to find some thing good. Even if it's a little thing. I hope this helps.
Erynn, just know you are doing an amazing job at raising those babies. It isn't fair what you have to go through and I can't even imagine how hard it is, but you are doing it with such grace. You are such a strong woman.
I'm sorry you have to do this without P :( I know it's not the same {at all!!}, but your friends and family are there for you always.
xoxo
What you are feeling is totally normal. With two screaming kids, that "Why is that my life" moment could happen even if Patrick were still alive. He could be away for a few days having fun and with kids screaming, your thoughts might be, "Why is this my life?" Why am I having to deal with this and he's out having fun on a hunting trip? Instead of grief, you would be feeling some resentment. I hope that you understand what I'm trying to say, because I know that now is different, but just wanted you to know that your thoughts are totally normal. And then there will be those perfect, fun-filled days with the kids when you will be thinking, "They really enhance my life. I'm so glad." Anyway, just hang in there. With time, things really will get better. They really will. It's just such a shame that we have to go through all of the painful grief work to get there. But through it, we also will find that we have grown.
Blessings to you!
Erynn,
Keeping you in my prayers! I don't have the words to express my sorrow for your loss and what you are going through.
Erynn, those days will surly come and go quite often. Remember though, its normal to feel that way, and you are entitled to feel exaused and fed up somtimes. Hang in there kiddo. One day at a time.
I've been following your blog for a while now. I've been wanting to comment but haven't gotten up the nerve to do so until today. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. As I read your blog I can see how much pain you are in. It breaks my heart that your going through this. I actually cried when I read a few of your posts. I do not know you but wanted you to know, I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
Your doing a wonderful job with your two beautiful amazing children!
Your in my prayers
Baby steps! One day at a time! Sending you hugs and prayers!
Janae- 1st off, Iove your name! Beautiful! 2nd- thank you for getting up the courage to post a comment. It's good to hear from those who have been reading but haven't commented. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. =)
Thinking of you E. WE need to catch up I miss you.
Posts like this hit my heart so hard. It is just crushing.
I’ve had a series of events happen to me about a year and ½ ago that left me physically and mentally scarred and landed me in a hospital. It’s been a year and a ½ ago and I have said to everyone who knows what happened that it’s taken at least 10 years off my life.
Sad part is that everyone who knows about it, including my family, does not look at me the same.
I am barely coming up from the other side of it but it’s been a long road with lots of doctors and therapists. However, I can go back to that dark place in an instant and always will battle this that happened to me.
I had one therapist say to me in the beginning over and over that you will come out from this better. I never believed him but I am different. One thing that I learned from it all is that I used to think I could do anything myself. In my mind I was like super human in some respects.
I no longer will ever think this way and have had to seek a power greater than myself (which has been God) to give my strength. I’ve had to turn my life over to something or someone that is not myself or another human being. Because, I’ve learned, at the end of the day, no matter how strong we think we are, or can become, we will always make mistakes or have things happen to us that are out of our control.
Thought I would share this in case it helps at all. I think you are doing amazing. You have a lot of people supporting and pulling for you.
Anonymous: wow, thank you for sharing that with me.
I too have had numerous people tell me, "It will get better." In my mind, it can't. It was the best, for me... but I know it's not all about me and "MY PLAN." Obviously, right? It's just going to be different. I'm not sure if I can honestly believe it's going to be 'better.' He was my best.
I am so sorry for what you went through and are still struggling with. I am praying for you.
Always thinking about you Erynn. xoxoxo
I feel that way MOST days, which just goes to show you how much stronger you are than me. I love you.
Erynn I wish it was better. I wish Patrick was here and you two were living the life you had longed for and planned for. Like you said, this wasn't "your plan" but i do believe things happen for a reason. Like your post above, you werent going to start trying for another baby until this summer, and im sure each day its hard having 2 under 2. But i truly believe god gave you Reese for a reason. He knew you would need just a little more Patrick in your life, and gave you one thing yall had always wanted, another baby. Hugs. You are on my mind and in my heart and prayers daily. xoxo
Thanks for leaving my post up. I was kind of horrified that I made it about me. There were just some comment thoughts involved but your situation is SO different. Thanks for your response. I am dumbfounded as to why this has happened to you. I remember when so many people were witness to your engagement and wedding. It honestly makes ZERO sense why you are here dealing with this. I'm truly sad for you. I think you are handling it WAY better than most would. A lot of people are inspired by that. :)
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