Happy Heart Day!

from my little LOVE munchkins...

it's one thing to lose your husband

and it's a whole lot more to be pregnant at the time and to have to give birth without him at your side. I remember the nerves, the anxiety, the unknown leading up to my March 4th birth with Reese. Here you have lost your husband and now you have to go through childbirth and what it supposed to be one of the most amazing milestones and moments in your life but you have to do it without him. It was one blow after another for me, just 2 short months after Patrick died. During my labor with Reese, which took ALL FREAKING DAY{morning til 10:38pm} I held it together pretty well. My room was filled with my closest family members and my best friends. I had a lot of distractions and an epidural. I can't complain. When my sweet Dr. uttered the words "it's time to push" I completely lost it. The thoughts and emotion that filled my body, I can't explain it. It was nothing like those moments during Will's birth. Reese was out in 3 minutes.. easiest delivery! I had a beautiful, healthy 7 pounds 6 ounce baby girl. Will came to visit the next day to meet his baby sister {mind you, he was only 14 months old himself.. my other baby!} It was hard to put on a smile for our 1st family picture. Our family of 3. I thought to myself, "how in the world am I going to do this?" Two kids under 2.. without my husband, without their daddy? 2 years later I've done with it with the help of my parents, family and my bestest of best friends. I can always call someone if one is sick and I need someone to take the other off my hands for a bit, to take one of them to school, to run to the grocery store for me.. I could go on and on how many times I've had to call on my family for help. I would have given up by now had I not had them in my life. I know that's what family is for, but it's also very hard for me to ask for help. I feel bad. I feel like it's MY job. Will & Reese aren't their kids, their responsibility. It's mine and only mine. I don't share that feeling with anyone else because he's not here to share it with. I never felt bad when I'd ask Patrick to watch Will while I went to get my nails done because it was his responsibility too. Now I feel bad. Like my nails aren't important. {this sounds so pathetic talking about my nails! haha but it's just an example}.

Being a single parent is something I thought I'd never have to experience.. but it's the hardest job I've never done.