and it's a whole lot more to be pregnant at the time and to have to give birth without him at your side. I remember the nerves, the anxiety, the unknown leading up to my March 4th birth with Reese. Here you have lost your husband and now you have to go through childbirth and what it supposed to be one of the most amazing milestones and moments in your life but you have to do it without him. It was one blow after another for me, just 2 short months after Patrick died. During my labor with Reese, which took ALL FREAKING DAY{morning til 10:38pm} I held it together pretty well. My room was filled with my closest family members and my best friends. I had a lot of distractions and an epidural. I can't complain. When my sweet Dr. uttered the words "it's time to push" I completely lost it. The thoughts and emotion that filled my body, I can't explain it. It was nothing like those moments during Will's birth. Reese was out in 3 minutes.. easiest delivery! I had a beautiful, healthy 7 pounds 6 ounce baby girl. Will came to visit the next day to meet his baby sister {mind you, he was only 14 months old himself.. my other baby!} It was hard to put on a smile for our 1st family picture. Our family of 3. I thought to myself, "how in the world am I going to do this?" Two kids under 2.. without my husband, without their daddy? 2 years later I've done with it with the help of my parents, family and my bestest of best friends. I can always call someone if one is sick and I need someone to take the other off my hands for a bit, to take one of them to school, to run to the grocery store for me.. I could go on and on how many times I've had to call on my family for help. I would have given up by now had I not had them in my life. I know that's what family is for, but it's also very hard for me to ask for help. I feel bad. I feel like it's MY job. Will & Reese aren't their kids, their responsibility. It's mine and only mine. I don't share that feeling with anyone else because he's not here to share it with. I never felt bad when I'd ask Patrick to watch Will while I went to get my nails done because it was his responsibility too. Now I feel bad. Like my nails aren't important. {this sounds so pathetic talking about my nails! haha but it's just an example}.
Being a single parent is something I thought I'd never have to experience.. but it's the hardest job I've never done.
15 comments:
Your family will always be there for you and the kids unconditionally. Thank God for them!
You are young and beautiful and you've endured so much... stay strong and continue to be happy. You are doing an amazing job.
Erynn, it's only natural that you would feel "bad" about asking for help, but I honestly believe, even without knowing your family and friends, that they love you and your children with all their hearts and they are truly happy to help you in any way they can! No one in your situation could handle everything alone.
Christ instructed us to love one another as He does, and He told us that in serving our brother, we serve Him - and that's what your loved ones are proud to do for you, I am sure.
God bless you, your friends and your family.
And you do it so well mama! You are a great mother to those two beautiful babies. You didn't ask for this, but you sure are handling it like an amazing person and mother!
xoxo
I can't even imagine giving birth under those circumstances. You are a brave, brave girl. Not that you had a choice. Yes, friends and family were there, but I can only imagine what it must be like w/o your hubby there to help and support you. Are you familiar with the blog Everyday Kings? I do not know her personally, I came across it while lurking. And she is unfortunately in a very similar situation as yours. She had a baby boy yesterday. If you have not heard of her story, maybe you should check it out. You both have alot in common and maybe you can be a source of support for each other. Take care. Praying for you. Lisa
I can relate to this on so many levels... my husband checked out of what I thought was a happy marriage right after I found out I was pregnant with #2 and I went through the entire pregnancy without his loving support... I had the amazing VBAC delivery that I'd so longed for, but he wasn't there in the room. I brought our son into this world without him and it was so awful and yet so wonderful. I felt really cheated out of the experience because he wasn't there, but I had the birth experience I felt cheated out of the first time because of my c-section. And poor Matthew never even gets to know what it's like to have an intact family and a daddy who loves his mommy.
I can't tell you how many times my thoughts have drifted to you... because of our shared wedding date, our children fairly close in age, etc., and I always wondered which is harder to go through... the wrenching and permanent loss of a life cut short; a beloved husband who adored you, and your children never getting to know him... or having what seemed to be a perfect life ripped away because of his pure selfishness. And then having to be a single mom but share custody of my boys, which is the hardest thing in the world. For my boys to be robbed of the opportunity to grow up with two loving, married parents like I was raised. The pain of infidelity and the feeling of rejection doesn't go away, and I have to see this person almost every day for the next 18 years.
Anyway... I know that the pain of death runs so much differently than divorce, but I just want to say that I feel your pain, at least on some level. I think that you're doing a beautiful job based on your blog and I can relate to the things that sustain both of us... faith, and wonderful, supportive family. Blessings to you, Erynn, and to your beautiful children, and to your "new" life and love... I wish you all the best.
Wow Erynn, I actually had a dream about you last night.. I don’t want you to publicly post this, but I did want to share this with you.
I have ‘known’ you through Jessicastyle, so your life with Patrick is familiar to me, and now I randomly read your blog to see how you are fairing with life and your beautiful children.
I dreamt that we caught up and you were telling me about a new business venture you were thinking about undertaking, and you were getting ready to catch up with someone so you wanted me to help you with styling your hair. Anyways, whilst styling your hair I noticed you had a scar across the back of your head that was healed and hair was starting to grow there again, but it was still going to be a while before it was completely covered with hair. I didn’t see your kids, but I did ‘know’ in the dream that they were happy and healthy and that your life was well under control.
It’s a weird dream to have, especially since I don’t ‘know’ you, but I guess it can only encourage you that you are ok, and that you are doing well in providing for your children and being a loving and supportive mother to them. The wound of losing Patrick will always bear a scar, but your scar is healing. Your love and all your memories will forever remain, but you are doing well in moving forward in life and in healing.
I do pray for you from time to time, and I trust God to bring you through. I can’t begin to imagine what your life is like, but you are blessed with amazing people to help you along the way. May God’s grace sustain you.
I would love to stay in touch and encourage you however I can, and I guess my prayers are the best way to do that. I won’t take offence if you think this to be odd, since I don’t ‘know’ you – and it’s ok to be guarded with who you let into your life – so it’s cool, but my email address is mbobanovic@optusnet.com.au or you can catch me on facebook (Marijana Bobanovic) – we would no doubt have mutual JS friends :)
Wow Erynn, I actually had a dream about you last night.. I don’t want you to publicly post this, but I did want to share this with you.
I have ‘known’ you through Jessicastyle, so your life with Patrick is familiar to me, and now I randomly read your blog to see how you are fairing with life and your beautiful children.
I dreamt that we caught up and you were telling me about a new business venture you were thinking about undertaking, and you were getting ready to catch up with someone so you wanted me to help you with styling your hair. Anyways, whilst styling your hair I noticed you had a scar across the back of your head that was healed and hair was starting to grow there again, but it was still going to be a while before it was completely covered with hair. I didn’t see your kids, but I did ‘know’ in the dream that they were happy and healthy and that your life was well under control.
It’s a weird dream to have, especially since I don’t ‘know’ you, but I guess it can only encourage you that you are ok, and that you are doing well in providing for your children and being a loving and supportive mother to them. The wound of losing Patrick will always bear a scar, but your scar is healing. Your love and all your memories will forever remain, but you are doing well in moving forward in life and in healing.
I do pray for you from time to time, and I trust God to bring you through. I can’t begin to imagine what your life is like, but you are blessed with amazing people to help you along the way. May God’s grace sustain you.
I would love to stay in touch and encourage you however I can, and I guess my prayers are the best way to do that. I won’t take offence if you think this to be odd, since I don’t ‘know’ you – and it’s ok to be guarded with who you let into your life – so it’s cool, but my email address is mbobanovic@optusnet.com.au or you can catch me on facebook (Marijana Bobanovic) – we would no doubt have mutual JS friends :)
Hi Lisa- I do know of Veronica King actually.. I've been following her blog shortly after her husband died... my post about giving birth without your husband stems from the birth of her son yesterday.. reading her entry and thinking of her yesterday brought back a lot of the memories and feelings of Reese's birth.
You're doing a damn good job of it from what you share on your blog. :)
My prayers continue for you & I cannot believe it's been two years.
I never really know what to say but I hate NOT to say something so I usually just ((HUG)) you.
I agree. You seem to be handling this far better than I can imagine (not that I know you but from what I "see" herE)
I think every mom has a hard time asking for help, especially when it's to do something for herself. But I can't imagine the way that's intensified in your case. I appreciate these honest posts about how you feel and how you are still working through the reality of your situation. As always, praying for you Erynn!
I have followed your blog for some time. I can relate in many ways. My husband died on 1/13/09, 22 days after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. I was 9 months pregnant when he was diagnosed. Our daughter was 10 days old when he died and our son was 17 months old. While he was alive for the birth of our daughter, he wasn't in the room due to his condition and it was definitely not the birth experience I thought I would have.
I absolutely could not raise my 3.5 year old and 2 year old without the help of our families and friends either. One thing I have realized throughout this process is what an incredible blessing they are.
You are an amazing mom! I'm sure the people in your love that love you so much don't mind helping you even when you feel like it's your job.
You are amazing. And I am so sorry. Loose should be spelled lose.
Crap! That is one of my biggest pet peeves when people spell lose loose and here I didn't even realize I had an extra O in there myself! I guess that's what I get for writing before 8am! Thanks anonymous!
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