our last conversation

It was early in the morning and I was half asleep as I answered the phone from bed. It was short, sweet and to the point. He always called before they took off so I knew they were in the air and not to worry.. If I didn't answer then he left a voicemail, that'd be the only time he ever left me a voicemail. This way I was able to judge how long until they'd be landing and expecting my next phone call. Problem is, I never got that next phone call. Instead, I got a knock at the door and news that turned my world upside down. My point is you just never, never know. You don't know when that last phone call is going to be.. or if you are even going to get the opportunity. That last hug, kiss, the last "I love you." I wish our last conversation had lasted a little longer and a been a little deeper but I am 100% thankful that I answered the phone and was given the opportunity to tell him I loved him, one last time.

It's weird to think about what I was doing those few hours between our last conversation and the knock at my door. Just going about my business at home, taking care of Will, while thinking he was up in the air, flying home... but really he had crashed just a few minutes after take off and was dead as I was thinking I'd be seeing his sweet face in just a matter of hours. I really try hard to not let my mind wander. It's definitely easier said than done but I feel I do a pretty good job of not letting myself go there. I try to talk myself out of it.. asking myself "what good is going to come of this?" Maybe it's good that I let myself go there every now and then. It's just part of the healing process I guess.

4 years?

I was looking through our wedding program tonight.. I spent so much time on these damn things! I can't believe it will already be 4 years this October. In 3 short years I had a baby, lost my husband and had another baby. How is that possible?

Our programs were multi pages and in the middle we both wrote a little paragraph to each of our bridesmaids and groomsmen. Reading what Patrick wrote to his brothers brings tears to my eyes... even as I type this. He told Sean that the "best times of my life are when we are together." and he was " so proud of your accomplishments in baseball. You are living my dream and I pray that you are happy in whatever you may do in the future." I know Sean could really use P's big brother support and guidance right now.

He told Colin that he felt he always needed to "look after and protect you." And even though he has grown and matured before his eyes, he still had to "look after you." I wish with everything inside me that Patrick could be here, to support and watch over his brothers that he loved so much.

I miss the moments of when we'd all be together under roof, the boys quoting movies, laughing and just having a good time together. When your 90 year old grandpa dies (no offense!), your world keeps going. When 1/3 of your family dies, your world dies with them.

it's almost been a month

and I haven't blogged.. yikes.

I've been pretty busy... a lot going on in my life right now.

When I get 5 minutes to sit down, read a friend's blog or try to write my own blog, I think of all the other million things I should really be doing.

I clicked on a blog from my list to the right earlier tonight and I had to close it. The header reminded me too much of what I used to have. What life used to be. It's so different and complicated now.