are you afraid to die?

Have you thought about it? Are you afraid of death? Honestly, before Patrick died, I hardly thought about it. I mean, I was 24, loving life, death was 50+ years away, right? WRONG! We just assume we are going to grow old and live happily ever after. When you repeat, "Til death do us part" on your wedding day, do you really think it could be a possibility that death will do you part within 3 years? Not exactly. I am a Christian and I know I am going to Heaven when I die; however, I am scared of dying. Not because of where I'm going but because of what I'd leave behind. Knowing the pain that death brings to those who are left behind, it scares me. Knowing the loss that my children could potentially live the rest of their lives with, that scares me. If I die, they would be orphans. I know they would be well taken care of but that is besides the point. You can't replace your parents. Obviously Patrick's death has changed me in numerous ways. The fear within me is one of them. The fear of avoidable circumstances that could potentially have damaging results. I notice myself not taking as many risks. Risks that could long term harmful effects. I noticed that I am a scardy cat in the car, especially as a passenger. I'm one of THOSE people who gasps, holds their breath and grabs the oh shit bar every other second during near misses, quick stops or even something as small as running a yellow light. It doesn't make it fun for the driver.. but in my head my life flashes before my eyes, my kids' lives. What if? I've learned that when I'm not in control I am a huge anxiety basket case. I hate it and I can't help it. I'm scared of dying before my kids are grown, well established adults and I know I can't control when I die.

Happy Birthday P!

Happy 28th Birthday Patrick! I can't believe this is Patrick's 2nd birthday without him. I think the 1st year, the 1st of everything, I was still kind of numb if that's what you want to call it. I went through the motions to get through it, put on a semi-happy face, to appear like I hadn't lost my marbles completely. I feel like this time around it's more of a reality of what's happened in my life. What Patrick has missed within these 2 birthdays and soon it will be 5, 10, 15 birthdays missed and that many more events and memories missed... especially when it comes to the the kids. That always hurts the most. I can only hope that Patrick is looking down from Heaven, laughing at some of the outfits people will show up later today at his golf tournament, raising his glass when we cheers to him and smiling know that we are celebrating HIM and the person he was as we golf in his honor. Happy Birthday.. love you always!

so sad

I received an email earlier today from a friend of a friend who follows my blog. She emailed me with sad news of the passing of a fellow blogger's husband earlier this week. She too, is in her 3rd trimester with her 3rd baby due on Valentine's Day. Please visit her blog and show her some much needed words of encouragement, love and support and most of all prayer.. especially right before the holidays.

http://veronking2003.blogspot.com/