Saturday, November 20, 2010
are you afraid to die?
Have you thought about it? Are you afraid of death? Honestly, before Patrick died, I hardly thought about it. I mean, I was 24, loving life, death was 50+ years away, right? WRONG! We just assume we are going to grow old and live happily ever after. When you repeat, "Til death do us part" on your wedding day, do you really think it could be a possibility that death will do you part within 3 years? Not exactly. I am a Christian and I know I am going to Heaven when I die; however, I am scared of dying. Not because of where I'm going but because of what I'd leave behind. Knowing the pain that death brings to those who are left behind, it scares me. Knowing the loss that my children could potentially live the rest of their lives with, that scares me. If I die, they would be orphans. I know they would be well taken care of but that is besides the point. You can't replace your parents. Obviously Patrick's death has changed me in numerous ways. The fear within me is one of them. The fear of avoidable circumstances that could potentially have damaging results. I notice myself not taking as many risks. Risks that could long term harmful effects. I noticed that I am a scardy cat in the car, especially as a passenger. I'm one of THOSE people who gasps, holds their breath and grabs the oh shit bar every other second during near misses, quick stops or even something as small as running a yellow light. It doesn't make it fun for the driver.. but in my head my life flashes before my eyes, my kids' lives. What if? I've learned that when I'm not in control I am a huge anxiety basket case. I hate it and I can't help it. I'm scared of dying before my kids are grown, well established adults and I know I can't control when I die.
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13 comments:
I don't fear dying because I know I'll be with my husband again but I have the same fear of leaving my kids before they are settled, responsible adults. So I guess I'm scared I'll die before they are ready to be orphans. And is anyone really ever ready for that? My husband wasn't when both of his parents died and he was a seasoned adult by that time.
I know what you mean about not liking being out of control. When I travelled back from Camp Widow in San Diego in August, I had a panic attack about crashing and leaving my boys orphans. So I've decided that I will no longer travel anywhere without them so if there's an accident, we'll all go together. Sounds crazy and looks even crazier as I type it, but I guess that's part of being a single, widowed parent. At least in my life at this time. Maybe I'll calm down and relax a little as time moves along.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Blogs show me everyday that I'm not alone in my thinking and reality. Makes this journey a little less overwhelming.
I think alot of that fear is normal when you become a Mom but for you it's multiplied by 100 because you've lived it. My cousins husband and 10 yr old son were recently killed in a car accident and my fear was multiplied by a bit more. I divulged to my hubby a few months ago that I actually thank God every time I safely pull back into my driveway. I know it's slightly ridiculous but yes I am afraid to die because I don't want to leave my son and hubby yet. I told him the other day I am becoming a hypochondriac, the what if's i'm able to spin in my head are nuts. So you are not alone in this whatsoever!
What you are feeling is totally normal.. I don’t know anyone that looks forward to death or who is totally 100% at peace with it; I’m sure as humans we all have that element of fear associated with it.. But in saying that, as Christians we do have peace knowing that God watches over us, and even though something’s happen in life, that we can’t explain or understand the reasoning for it, God knows all things, and scripture says He works all things out for good.. So trust Him, and know that He knows all things.. Be anxious for nothing, but in all things pray and God will give you peace.. Don’t let fear rob you of any joy or life.. I think you are still just going through the process of getting your life in order again after such a loss..
I am absolutely afraid to die! For the same reason as you, to leave my children motherless. Not afraid of where I would go, I know where that would be, but what I would be missing out on. I also like you am afraid when I'm not in control. I have ALWAYS hated to fly because I'm not in control. But what I'm more afraid of than dying is loosing both of my kids at the same time. If something happend to the 2 of them, I would be afraid of living. I don't think I would have the will to live if I lost both of them.
Everything you posted I could have said myself. I have a serious obsessing with obsessing about being afraid to die. It consumes a lot of my thoughts. :-/
I feel the same way that you do and I never had any of those feelings until I had kids. I thank God every day for waking me up so that I get one more day with my kiddos. big hugs, Erynn.
When I got pregnant, I really started thinking about this. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he is one of those who thinks it's not going to happen any time soon, so don't worry about it. I still worry! Mostly because he would be lost without me, I worry about my newborn daughter, and there are so many things I still want to do. I, too, am afraid of what I would leave behind.
I feel the same as you. Afraid to die and leave my kids so that they grow up with out their mommy... sad thought. I definitely don't take the risks like I did before kids. Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
I think everyone goes through these feelings. Especially, when they have been through something as horrible as you have. I've had a strange relationship with thinking about death over the years. For the most part it doesn't even cross my mind. But, then at the strangest moments it creeps in and I am overcome with anxiety about what happens and where do we go. When it will happen? Will I have time to say goodbye to those that I love? Seriously, I will be driving home listening to music and all of a sudden break into a full blown panic attack thinking of it. And I haven't been through anything near what you have. All I can say I guess is that it's normal. And you have to just kind of flow with it. Feel it because the more you try to ignore it the more it will consume you. Give your kids extra kisses. Spend a little more time with family. Live every moment to its fullest.
I lost my dad when I was 13 and so all of my life I've had the fear of death. I'd worry as a child that I'd come home from school and something has happened to my mom. She passed in 2006. I'm married with a hubby and 2 kids and I still feel like an "orphan" I know it's a weird feeling (no mom / no dad) and I'm an adult and feel that way. This huge hole in my heart! Then I've worried that if something happens to both me and my hubby while we are out alone, my kids would be orphans alone. It's this never ending feeling. I guess it's part of grief?!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your beautiful kids!
Hi Erynn,
I will have to agree with everyone else who has commented and tell you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal, especially given your circumstances. Your bubble was burst BIG TIME and you are now faced with a reality that you neither considered or wanted. All you can do is stay as positive as possible so that you can enjoy your life with your beautiful children.
Since my kids are older and more established, my fear is that something will happen to one of them. I have lived my life (don't get me wrong. . . I don't want to go any time soon. . .) but they still have so much life to live. I don't know how Debi does it. If I lost a child, I'd lose my heart and soul. So, to answer your question. . . I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of dying inside should one of my girls die.
This is a somewhat grim topic but is one that should be discussed more honestly, in my opinion. People avoid the "death" discussion because it's uncomfortable or a "downer" but it's reality. . . it's MANY people's reality. . . and it's not fun! :(
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family!
Hugs,
Joanne
i stumbled onto you blog today. I love your writing and I love your perspective.
Your post has given me a lot to think about and re-evaluate.
Thank you for being so open, so honest and so wonderful!
Erynn, this post made me think of good old Joshua 1:9 (one of the verses that the hymn, "Be Not Afraid" is based on):
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
My husband and I just became parents in October, and the concern that is constantly with me for our baby boy is overwhelming. Believe me, I often wonder how He expects us to be so brave as we make our way through this challenging world of His - especially when we are responsible for the little souls He places in our care. But He gave us life, and He knows all that we can and cannot do . . . and I remind myself every day that since He saved us, and walks with us, we are never alone with our fears - mighty as they may be.
It is so obvious that you are a wonderful and loving mother! The Lord is with you, and I'm sure Patrick is proud of you every moment of every day.
I pray for you as often as I can. God bless you, bless you, bless you.
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