I was left with my 1 year old son and newborn baby girl to pick up the pieces of the shattered life I once loved so much. My ideal life, what I had visioned and hoped for when I fell in love with Patrick. At that time the pain and anger were so deep, some days I wasn't sure if I even wanted there to be a tomorrow. Looking at the innocent faces of our healthy babies, took those thoughts right out of my head. They needed me and I needed them. 2009 was hands down the hardest time in my life. I thought to myself about the life I once loved so much and how I'd never have that feeling back. The thought of never feeling that good again about my life was and still is so painful.
However- I can say that I have had moments in 2010 where I think to myself "I love this part of my life." It can be the smallest thing, like driving Will to preschool... and watching his face light up when I return to pick him up. I absolutely love that. I don't have that feeling of loving my life back; or even close to it. But it feels good to have parts of it back.
26 comments:
At only 15 months out, loving even the smallest part of your life now is an impressive, amazing feat. I'm glad you're able to feel and appreciate the moments of joy and contentment--however fleeting and isolated they are--when you notice them.
And I understand completely the bliss and happiness you found with your life immediately before Patrick died. I felt the same way too, pretty much exactly, when Charley died too. And even after almost five years now since he died, I still haven't found that same joy and love of my life--not a person, but loving my life--again yet. And I wish it would come back....
Sending you many hugs and wishes for loving a few more parts of your life....
I'm so glad you are having some great moments. you deserve more than a million of them.
I love that song, btw.
the goosebumps ran up and down my legs as i read your post. your kids have the coolest momma ever!
I am happy you are doing well, Erynn! When the time is right I know there is someone very special out there for you. One day you will feel almost like your old self again and live happily ever after.
xo,
Kelly
God bless you Erynn! You are such a reminder of why I appreciate my many blessings, simple as they are, in this life. You and your family are always, always in my thoughts and prayers!
I've been reading for awhile and have never commented- your story breaks my heart. I cried when I read over previous posts. Even reading todays brought tears to my eyes, I cannot even imagine the pain your must feel day in and day out. I honestly don't think I could be as strong as you. I don't even know if I would get out of bed.
However it warms my heart that you do, and I am glad that you still choose find the joy and happiness in your children and they are the reason that you want to be alive.
Hang in there- your doing great. I'm sure your husband is looking down and beaming with pride.
Erynn - I was driving the first time I heard this song. I had to pull over because the words brought me to tears. Big, ugly, sobbing tears. The guilt I felt for being alive when my husband wasn't was almost too much for me.
BUT - it is now one of my favorite songs to listen to.
I'm so thankful to be alive. I'm so thankful for our girls. We are alive and we are living the life I know he would want for us.
Thank you.
Thank you for the reminding us about this great song. I find that since my husband died a year ago I just focus on suviving the day and getting done what needs to get done. I forget to appreciate all the little things that are blessings. Thank you for the reminder.
Its ok to love your life now, you have so many things to be thankful for, and it doesn't mean your not still hurting, or that you don't wish things were the way they were. I think its good to see the glass half full, instead of half empty.
Erin, It's great to hear that you are finding happiness in some of the everyday things again!
=)
xoxo
I can't imagine all that you have endured over the past year. Yes, thank God for those precious babies of yours to get you through the hard times. I'm been thinking and praying for you since I discovered your blog.
xoxo. I am so happy to know you are able to find moments where you do find happiness.
Erynn, Great post. Great song! I can only imagine that some days you have to be strong for the kids, even when you want to break down. They don't know any better and they need you. You are a strong beautiful mom and they will thank you when they are older. Keep doing what you're doing. You have 2beautiful kiddos to keep you going. Sending you hugs! XX
Erynn I hope the moments that you love become more and closer together. I know everyone says it all the time, but you are such an amazing woman and great mom, you deserve all the happiness in the world.
Dear Erynn: I dont know if you have ever been to New Orleans or have any friends from here but I am designating you as an honorory "NOLA GIRL." A NOLA girl is a fighter...one that doesnt give up and keeps her chin up in the toughest times. A lot of us here had to do that when Katrina changed our lives almost 5 years ago. Anyway...you are a NOLA girl to me and if you ever come this way I look forward to meeting someone so incredibly strong and inspiring. Thanks for your honesty. Your NOLA girl t-shirt will come soon!!! Kellie Mathas
I am so happy for you to have "those Moments" of loving your life again. I know it will never be "the same" but I pray someday you will be in a place where your getting off the freeway driving home and say "I LOVE MY LIFE!" XOXO
I am happy you can see a little happiness in all the darkness! Heart you!
I can fully understand that, maybe in a little different way. April 8th marked five years since my dad passed away, I think to myself "How in the world did we make it 5 years?!" ...keeping you guys in my prayers contiuosly for strength,grace & faith.
Love that photo at the top - too cute!
Oh Erynn, Your post made me cry. And I understand! I've written before . . . I've also lost my soulmate and a daughter with him at the same time - I've only kept on living for my remaining children. Also, I had our last child 9 months after the accident and sometimes I get so angry that she won't know her Daddy and that he didn't even know of her existence! So, at first, I used to smile and laugh so my kids would! But it felt fake. Eventually I started to truly smile and laugh - and then I felt kind of guilty for it. I still can't say that "I love my life" but I definitely know what you mean that we can love moments of our life now, such as it is. Keep on going honey . . . you will survive . . . it gets easier in a weird sort of way. I think I miss him more as time goes on, but it doesn't hurt like being stabbed with a knife like it did in the beginning. I thank God daily for my children - they are the proof of their Daddy's presence in my life and my reason for going on. Your little ones are so sweet . . . you will have so many good times with them. They will love the memories you can give them of their Daddy. You had a truly wonderful relationship . . . We have both been blessed with having a partner and relationship that most people only dream of. That makes losing them even more difficult. You take good care, sweet girl . . . you're often in my thoughts, Jeanette in Canada.
hugs
I was so happy before that after Kevin died I felt as though I were being punished for being so vein. I'm scared that I will never again have such perfectness.
Peace to you and your children.
You are an amazingly strong person. Your children are incredibly lucky to have you as their mother.
xx
Oh Erynn, your post brought tears to my eyes. I cannot even image what you have gone through this past year. I am so happy that you have found at least a few simple pleasures in life that make you feel a little like what you used to feel like. My hope for you and your families future is that in time are able to feel more and more like you used to feel. You deserve to smile Erynn.
Bec.
Erynn,
People tell you that you are strong and doing such a great job at holding it together and I am sure there are some days when this is true and others when it is not! I am glad to hear that you can find joy in simple things like Will's smile. . . I hope that some day, in some way, you can find a way to make sense of a situation that is utterly senseless. The heartache will never go away but it can move to the side sometimes to allow you to be happy!
Keep sharing your feelings. Doing so will help you heal and allow you to know that you are not in this alone!
Take care!
Joanne
P.S. Still think of you every day when I walk past your old house with Tanner and Tucker! I'd give anything to have Duke and Daisy jumping up on the wall and barking if it meant that I could turn back time and change the course of your life!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay :)
I am so glad you are having these moments of happiness and I hope they become more frequent. xoxo
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