Tonight as I was looking through our thousands of photos for a MM post, I found myself cautiously clicking on videos... to see if I could hear his voice. This was after I accidently clicked one, thinking it was a photo. It was a video of him training Duke with a duck dummy in his parent's backyard. I didn't know if I should leave it open & listen or try to close immediately. I closed my eyes and prepared myself... for his voice. God, how I miss that. How can it so easily escape my mind? It's so hard to hear him in videos, let alone see him.. alive, well and in action. Videos of what used to be. Recordings of what's escaping my head because I've gone too long without.
Here I'm stuck trying to remember. His touch, his voice, his jokes, his laughter, his love. It was easier to remember these things when I had the daily reminder of them. Now the videos are just a reminder of what I used to have.
20 comments:
My heart goes out to you everyday! As hard as it is, time heals all wounds. Hang in there! I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hugs, thoughts and prayers always coming your way E. xoxo.
More hugs, thoughts and prayers from me too! Keep Rollin'!
you are always in my prayers and I know I always say that but it's true. I hope that they help you.
I'm so sorry Erynn.
Im sorry Erynn. Hopefully as time goes on the videos will serve less as a painfull memory, and more as a reminder of what an amazing person P was. It's a gift that you have them, burn a few copies, so that you will always have them for you and the kids. One day you will be able to show Will and Reese their Daddy in motion. To them it will be pricless.
Gosh it doesn't matter how many times I read your blog, you break my heart! You are doing an amazing job and just enjoy your kids and remember that the videos are priceless and watch them when you have the strength - forgetting is a part of healing. Which you are doing slowly...god bless you.
You will never really forget ...
Thinking of you.
Erynn,
As hard as it is to imagine right now, you will again have the things you miss so much about your life with Patrick! You are a young, very beautiful, amazing women! They say time is healing I just wish you could fast forward through all of this heartache.
I have never met you Erynn but I admire you so, so much! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers:)
I always say I wish I could fast forward through the heartache but I know I have to go through it. Thanks, Debbie.
Right now the videos are painful. Someday they will be priceless for you and the kids. Keep rollin! Sending you hugs and prayers! XX
Ugh, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry.
Aww, E.. time may have caused it to be out of your mind, but you will NEVER forget!
Erynn,
You are an amazingly strong woman! You are in our prayres!
Love, AJ and Katie
Video. Yeah, those are tough. I wish I could hit the FF button for you to a time that the heartache is much much less (not sure it ever goes away). I hope that it's normal for memories to fade over time since that is my normal too. There will come a time that the videos bring smiles instead of tears one day and hysterics the next. Not sure what the step after that is since I'm not there yet. Hugs. You have a strength that not many people I know have.
I know exactly what you mean, E. I remember so many great things about Patrick, especially his sense of humor. "I'm kind of a big deal."
Hi Erynn,
I know that we don't know each other, but I know exactly how you feel, and what you are going through. I lost my fiance 2 years ago, and it's been a roller coaster ride ever since. I remember crying b/c I couldn't remember what his voiced sounded like, or some of the silly details of our times together. I use to cry through our videos and pictures, but looking back I'm glad that during that time I actually looked at them. Even though I cried, they put me at ease. I still cry, not as much, but I still do. The hurting never stops, but as time passes, it eases up, and you learn to live all over again. When Dan passed away, a friend of mine gave me this poem below. I don't know why but I fell in love with it. It's a beautiful way to think, or at least I think so. If you ever need to chat, or vent, feel free to drop a message!!
Death Is Nothing At All
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.
Loving thoughts your way,
Mandy
I read every single one of your posts and time after time, I keep coming back and saying the same thing.
I just couldn't imagine.
If I didn't have my husband there everyday to make me laugh, to kiss before bed, to talk about my day, to make dinner with, to call the dog in from outside when he doesn't listen to me, to lift a heavy box, to drive me home when I've had too much to drink, to love me... I don't know what I would do.
You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. I couldn't imagine watching a video of my husband and not be able to laugh about it later with him. Remembering the way he used to make you feel, just based on video memories...
I just couldn't imagine.
I wish I could hug you. Erynn, stay strong and the memories will be there. Remind your kids of him too...
Erynn~ Like most I dont know you but, I can say I have been through a fraction of what your going through. I say a fraction bc I was not married, & I had no children but I loved & lost. The fear that your going to forget is normal & I can say that 5 years later, things do fade. I can remeber saving voicemails onto those lil' crappy recorders w/ the lil' mini tapes, just to save his voice. 5 years later I still have the tape in a safe, & every once in a while I get the urge to break them out & cry. Life is not fair, but you are blessed with the memories, the photos, the videos, the BABIES!! It all surrounds you, but I know none of it is as good as the real P. But guard what you have with your life & you are doing a swell job of savoring it. HUGS!!!!
^ thank you! You all bring tears to my eyes every time I read your comments. Thanks for taking the time to stop and leave a note for me. xo
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